“American Pie” is perhaps the worst song in the entire canon of rock/pop music. The original is without any interesting musical twists, lyrically insipid, and vocally as annoying as a little girls’ jump-rope rhyme. It’s also long-as-hell which, even if it weren’t boring to begin with, would certainly kill it in the end.

That Madonna would even consider covering it speaks volumes of how completely dumb this woman is. That she actually did cover it should close the book on Madonna’s relevancy once and for all.

Madonna’s voice is, as usual, ProTool-ed out the ass and is joined by a creepy low male voice during significant portions of the song. Calling her a singer is really a long-shot. The music sounds nice for exactly 15 seconds at the beginning during which Madonna doesn’t sing. Nice, but elevator-friendly. I don’t really know what William Orbit ever did for people to think he’s so fantastic but his continued collaborations with Madonna are really damaging his reputation.

Madonna’s effort here is made even stupider by the fact that “Weird Al” used “American Pie” as his parody of Star Wars: Phantom Menace last year: “This Here Anakin Guy.”

“American Pie” is taken from Madonna’s newest movie. Calling her an actress is also a long-shot. Let’s just settle on calling her a “personality” and recognise that she hasn’t got much of one.