I accidentally watched several episodes of Pimp My Ride this weekend since MTV has decided to boycott music videos fully over the holiday. It has been the only “reality” show on the network to capture my interest albeit only briefly. I realize I’m not their target audience, but why is their theory of programming “throw ten grand at a producer and see what happens”? Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to show videos? And more profitable?

Anyway, I watched a couple of episodes of Pimp My Ride–or at least saw the beginnings and ends. I think the most interesting aspect of the show is how they take an automobile that performs a practical function (getting a person to work) and make it almost completely useless under the guise of improving it. For example, in one episode they go to pimp the ride of a guy who plays in a punk rock band. He has a huge van that is a total piece of crap. It’s an old Dept of Parole van and it’s scary looking on the outside and inside. BUT anyone who’s played in a punk rock band knows why the dude has this van–to haul a bunch of dudes and their gear from one shady club to another.

So the pimps get to work and give the van a paint job. Looks great. Then they put on stupid rims that are completely ridiculous and require those skinny little tires that I guarantee won’t help a damn bit in a snowstorm in upstate New York when the band is driving from The Hellhole to The Shithouse in the middle of the night. But it gets worse. They take out the bench seats in the inside and replace them with a curved couch that is not long enough for one man to lie straight upon. Maybe one guy can curl up on it, but that’s it. Certainly not two. So, if the band is a trio, only one guy can sleep at a time while they’re on the road. THEN, the pimps put a freaking hottub in the rear of the van, thus eliminating any storage area. So these punk rockers are going to have to rent a goddam trailer to haul their gear around, even though they own a van, because now the van is like an apartment on wheels. Man, and you thought punk rockers had problems getting their gear stolen when they kept it in a shitty van. Wait til they park a chromed up van with an effing hottub in the back in some scary downtown. That shit is getting jacked.

But the fun doesn’t end with that episode. I watched the beginning of the next featuring another piece of crap van–this time a mini-van that a young woman uses for nothing more than getting around. In her plea for Xzibit to pimp it, she explains that 1) it gets broken into a lot and 2) she is a bad driver and bumps into curbs and cars all the time when parking.

Excellent, let’s throw $50K at this vehicle.

The impracticality of the pimping strikes me, I guess, because I’m such a fan of Monster Garage where the goal is to add functionality to a vehicle. E.G. “Let’s make a Ford Mustang that can mow lawns at 80mph.” Pimp My Ride is just vehicular masturbation compared to the awesomeness of Monster Garage.