Well, I had a long talk with Todd K last night and I think I’ve come to a very difficult decision: I will be leaving umlaut.

Truthfully, it all started with the name. Are we Hammerdick or Dickhammer? Or both? Hammerdickhammer or Dickhammerdick? I was happy to go with any just to get the band rolling.

Then all of a sudden, we’re umlaut. Now, I’m no xenophobe, but frankly, umlaut was a little too ethnic for my tastes. I’m not playing in a band called Accent e gue and I’m not going for umlaut.

Then there were the communication problems. Or, at least, there probably would have been if I’d ever talked to the guys.

You know, I thought I brought a lot to the band. Sure, there was the two-handed tapping that could shred timid fretboards, but there was also a muted sensitivity in my stage persona. I am a Pisces after all. So I can shred your face off and smile at you as if to say, “This is not me shredding you. I am not superior to you even though you are standing several feet below me on the stage and I have a huge penis. We are one in the rock.”

Also, I brought brownies to the band. The ones with nuts.

Or I would have, if we’d ever practiced.

Don’t shed a tear for us. Though my association with umlaut may be ending, I think we’ll all be stronger for it.